Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
he just fucked me for my cheese..
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
