she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
