When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
