maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
