we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just found a bag of teeth...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
