Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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