just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
