I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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