Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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