is wine microwaveable?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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