Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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