I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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