Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
they're like a gay fantastic four
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
