I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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