he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
