Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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