i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
