Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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