I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
