Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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