how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
