it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
