so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
