youre lurking in front of me
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
