I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
