you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
