Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
