so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
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