she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I looked at my own cervix.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i came on her dog
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
