I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
