I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
