walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
