hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
