he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
