I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
