apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Alive.
So much puke
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
