Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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