u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
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