she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
