woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
