did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
