So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
