things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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