Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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