Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
