God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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