i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
