I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
