Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
