Swine flu. Run for my life!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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